How to Include Nonbinary Characters in Your Writing Without Confusing Your Readers
Hello! My name is Alyssa. I’m a Book Coach certified by Author Accelerator, and it is my mission to serve writers ready to tackle a book from start to finish, who keep feeling overwhelmed by the entire process and giving up on their dream to finish writing a first draft that speaks to their heart. My ideal people to work with are LGBTQ+ (like me) who have been yearning to see themselves in adult fantasy books, mythological retellings, sci-fi, supernatural, contemporary romance, or historical fiction. If you want to work with me on your project, with 1:1 hands on, thorough feedback and guidance, check out my website.
Alyssa Pfingst
Certified book coach
Although being genderqueer has been around for centuries, and the concept of the strict gender binary has been propagated by colonialism and Western culture, “He/him” and “She/Her” have dominated English writing, with “They/Them'' referencing a group or entity, very rarely an established individual. Pronouns are important indicators for identifying people, but recently there has been a massive increase in the acceptance of genderqueer identities and pronouns, which has thereby been translated into modern writing. As language continues to evolve to hold space for those of us who do not work within the gender binary, our writing must hold the same space too. “They/Them '' in English still references groups and individuals, and when bringing that into a writing space, it can be tough to portray what the writer means if there is a group and a nonbinary individual in that group. The question would be: who is the author referencing? And if you are the author, how can you make it clear?
Clarity is your number one goal in any and all writing.
If something is not clear, the reader can and will get confused. If they are too confused, and are tripping up on who is doing what at what time, they may put your book down, and no author wants that. However, some people will always be willfully confused if you write a nonbinary character in your work. It’s important to note that people who think like this are not a part of your ideal readership, and unless you are writing specifically for them to understand nonbinary people, then let them go. There will be plenty of others who love the representation that you bring to your work, and pleasing them is far more important than making those who don’t want to put in the effort, happy.
Now I’m going to lead you through several scenarios with nonbinary individuals and groups of people to give you a sense of how to manipulate sentence structure and language to include nonbinary characters when referencing them in writing.
Scenario One: A group of three people are sitting by a campfire. One individual is nonbinary. The names of the characters are Ro, Mike, and Susan. Ro is the nonbinary individual in the group.
I’m going to go through a few sentences with scenarios an author could write using singular vs. plural They/Them, and some variations to show what an author could do.
1) Ro grabs a cup of coffee from the bench and takes a sip. They love how warm and fragrant the coffee is, it reminds them of home.
In this instance, it’s clear that we’re only mentioning Ro because the action is directly following them. No one else is mentioned, and two people cannot suddenly occupy the second sentence, so it makes sense that Ro is the only person being referenced.
Thinking the coffee “tastes like home” is most likely an individual experience, but sometimes there are shared experiences between characters. In these situations, where an action or thought could be read as a plural requires extra clarity. Let’s say that Ro had a sibling they grew up with and both shared similar feelings about home after drinking the coffee. What you could do here is make sure both characters either have a conversation about how the coffee reminds them of home to show the plural, OR you can have both have individual, but separate thoughts on the coffee and what aspects of home it tastes like. If the siblings had different pronouns, then you could use those too to make it clear.
2) V1: Mike lights the firewood Susan stocked in the campfire basin. Susan and Ro bring some marshmallows and they sit by the flames, warming them with some chocolate.
In this sentence, the They/Them could be singular or plural, or be placed to reference objects, so it can get really difficult to know who the individual is versus the group, and if “them” refers to Ro or to the marshmallows. The problems lie in ambiguity. When Ro is mentioned, they perform an action that either they or the whole group can perform, and technically, the marshmallows could be warmed, or perhaps these three have a weird ritual of warming Ro up with chocolate. It is unlikely, but the reader doesn’t know! They have to guess, and the strain of guessing or being misled will cause a lot of readers to give up after a while.
Here are two more examples where the meaning of a sentence could be muddled:
V2: Mike lights the firewood Susan stocked in the campfire basin. Susan brings out some marshmallows. Ro takes them* from her and sits by the flame, warming the treats with some chocolate.
Notice here that Ro is taking the marshmallows but objects also come with They/Them plural descriptors, so be careful with that too. You may want to substitute “them” for “marshmallows” OR “some” OR “the whole bag”. Remember, clarity is key, so any time you can offer clarity with specificity, it can help shape the scene.
V3: Ro lights the firewood while Mike and Susan grab some marshmallows. They sit down next to Susan. Everyone starts to eat, heating the treats with some chocolate.
Here’s another example of a sentence that could get muddled. Who’s sitting down next to Susan? Mike or Ro or both?
Let’s take the same sentence and restructure it so it’s clear. There are a multitude of options, but I’ll give two different examples focusing on having Ro move as an individual within a group.
Original sentence: Mike lights the firewood Susan stocked in the campfire basin. Susan and Ro bring some marshmallows and they sit by the flames, warming them with some chocolate.
Ex1: Mike lights the firewood Susan stocked in the campfire basin. Susan and Ro bring some marshmallows and all three sit by the flames, warming the treats with some chocolate.
Here, it’s really clear all three are sitting in a group and doing a shared activity. Marking how many there are doing the activity, such as “all three”, “all of them”, “all”, “everyone”, etc, is a great way to give the audience indicators that there is more than one person being referenced.
Also note that the plural “They” for the marshmallows are replaced with a more specific reference so we, as the reader, know that it’s the objects (Marshmallows), not the person (Ro) getting warmed with the chocolate.
Ex2: Ro lights the firewood while Mike and Susan grab some marshmallows. Ro sits down next to Susan and takes some marshmallows from her. Everyone starts to eat, heating the treats with some chocolate.
Now it’s clear that Ro is sitting next to Susan, and Mike joined in eating at a different, but unspecified time. This is a) marking how many are doing the activity (everyone), b) giving Ro individual actions (taking the marshmallows from Susan and sitting next to her), and c) still gives the reader the same feel of the scene through the sentence.
I made Ro light the firewood this time around and Mike and Susan grab the marshmallows because a) it wasn’t important to my scene who did what and b) I wanted to show how giving Mike and Susan a joint action can still work without referencing a plural They/Them. This can minimize confusion down the line.
How to Write Two Nonbinary Characters in a Scene
If you have multiple nonbinary characters occupying the same space: It can be done, but you need to handle that space with care. Focus on clarity!
Scenario Two: Ro has a friend Berry and they’re both sitting down for a coffee. Ro has blue hair and Berry has pink hair.
1) Berry joins Ro for a late afternoon coffee. They both sit at a round table near the back. Ro takes their coffee in hand and smiles at Berry. Berry looks troubled. They twist their pink hair in their fingers.
“What’s wrong?” Ro asks.
This can be tricky because it’s a longer passage, but note that the plural versus singular “They/Them" was clear, because there were direct mentions of singular actions that guides the reader towards who the action is being made by. Berry is the one twisting their hair in their fingers because they look troubled. Because Ro does not have pink hair we know its a possibility that either Berry is twirling their hair, or Ro twirls it for them. However, because Ro asks “What’s wrong?” We know that Ro most likely did not take up that space for Berry. You can clarify this even more. I added another version of the sentence down below.
V2: Berry joins Ro for a late afternoon coffee. They both sit at a round table near the back. Ro takes their coffee in hand and smiles at Berry. Berry looks troubled. They twist their pink hair in their fingers.
“What’s wrong?” Ro asks, fiddling with their collar. It wasn’t like Berry to be nervous like this. Berry shook their head, refusing to talk. Ro brushed a blue hair out of their eyes, and sighed.
“Want to grab a snack?” They said.
Berry replied with a small smile. “You always know how to make things better.”
Because Ro and Berry are performing two different actions with their hands and we have a further clarifier in the sentence stating that Ro thinks Berry’s behavior is nervous, it’s much easier to assume that Berry is the one twisting their hair, rather than any chance of Ro doing that, because Ro is fiddling with their collar.
A note on differentiation by contrast: Berry having pink hair and Ro having blue is what I call writing High Contrast. Just like in art, having High Contrast means sharper, cleaner images that the eye can detect easier than images with less contrast. If both Ro and Berry had pink hair, or pink highlights, and both of them had “They/Them” Pronouns, it would become really difficult to distinguish who was who at any given time. Especially in places where characters share something similar, change a detail or two to create bigger differences that readers can pick up on.
This works with any characters: I.E. Let’s say Mike and Susan originally both had silver watches, but having the watches be the same color was not important to the plot. Change one of the watch colors and reference it when mentioning who’s who. It’ll give more depth than just pronouns alone.
Dialogue: Since Ro and Berry both have They/Them pronouns, writing dialogue can get tricky. Remember to focus on names and indicators for who’s speaking at what time, along with clarifiers if there’s a shift to plural They/Them. If both Berry and Ro said “Want to grab a snack” together, then indicate that they’re saying it at the same time.
Note on Neopronouns: Neopronouns are newer pronouns that do give the characters more distinction that breaks away from the confusion a plural “They/Them” can bring in writing- xe/xem/xyr, ze/hir/hirs, and ey/em/eirs are some options you can use. Or if you’re writing a fantasy novel with an MC nonbinary character (like me), you can make up your own pronouns for the world! Just use your discretion, and always aim for clarity. Also neopronouns are awesome, but there are still a LOT of nonbinary people out there who use and like They/Them pronouns, so see what works best for you and who you’re trying to represent.
Finally, let’s wrap up with a final exercise where we have singular They/Them, plural They/Them, he/she pronouns, and multiple groups of people.
Scenario Three: Berry, Ro, Susan, and Mike are playing Hearts together at a party with a pack of playing cards.
Berry deals the first hand, a pile of $20s on the table for the winner. Berry is a swift dealer and gets the cards to everyone at the table in record speed. Ro picks up the cards first and starts sorting with heavy concentration. Mike and Susan try to remain expressionless, but both twitch when they see the cards. Mike nearly runs a hand through his hair, and Susan starts sweating immediately, trying to keep straight face. Susan’s last $20 was in the pile, and Mike had thought he would buy a extra drink for himself if he won, but now he wasn’t so sure. Berry laughs a little and takes their cards up in their hand, then also groans internally. They have the Queen of Spades, and if they don’t get rid of it, they’ll get nearly half the points in the game.
Hearts is like golf Berry says to themselves, you want as little points as possible. C’mon Berry, we need to get as little points as possible. All the players start putting down cards, and Ro starts winning immediately.
“Take that.” They say, throwing down a 10 of Hearts Susan picks up.
“Ro, nooooo” Susan whines. “My $20 is on the line!”
“So is everyone’s Susan!” Berry laughs as they throw down another set of hearts that Susan picks up. Everyone starts having such a great time trying to win it attracts some of the other partygoers. As the surrounding crowd gets invested, Ro accidentally takes on the Queen of Spades Berry puts down. The crowd shouts “Ohhh” as Ro shakes their head and Berry sticks out their tongue. The rest of the game goes by and it’s Susan who loses handedly, even though Ro comes in second to last with the Queen of Spades. Mike pats Susan’s shoulder and gets the table a few drinks, despite losing his $20 to Berry. When he comes back with the bottles they all agree on a rematch and play until the night is over.
So this is an example of how a paragraph can use multiple pronouns, indicate singular vs. plural They/Them, and show objects without becoming overwhelming to the reader. If I replaced half of the indicators with “they/them”, the paragraph would become very hard to understand and follow. I intentionally didn’t include any details besides names and pronouns to give you a sense of how to handle an atmosphere with a lot of They/Them plural and singular possibilities. Although it may feel a bit clunky to include so many names rather than pronouns, the dynamic really calls for it, and it is always more beneficial to have clarity rather than having it be confusing.
A Last Note on Significant Others and Pronouns When Referencing Nonbinary People
Let’s say Ro had a girlfriend.
Ro’s girlfriend references Ro by only gender neutral pronouns because Ro is truly gender neutral (they could also be agender and choose to use gender neutral pronouns). Ro’s girlfriend calls them (when talking with other people about Ro) “my partner”, “my sweetheart”, “my significant other”, “my love” etc. She never uses boyfriend/girlfriend to mention Ro.
Let’s say Mike’s partner, Dylan, uses all pronouns.
Mike can refer to Dylan by he/him, she/her, They/Them, or neopronouns, and everything works for Dylan. However, let’s say Dylan is genderfluid, one pronoun may work one day, but not another day. If this was the case, Mike would always clarify with Dylan which gender pronoun to use before referencing to Dylan in conversation. If Dylan is not there to clarify, They/Them could be used as a catch-all because those pronouns are gender neutral. Mike could also refer to Dylan as “my partner”, “my sweetheart”, “my significant other”, “my love” etc. to keep it gender neutral, but if the term fits, girlfriend or boyfriend could also be totally acceptable. (Check out the article I attached below in the references section for how to refer to nonbinary family members.)
Final Notes and Next Steps
Using gender neutral pronouns in writing can end up being hard for the reader to follow, especially if there are multiple usages of plural vs singular They/Them. The most important thing to do if you are writing a nonbinary character (or multiple nonbinary characters), even if you are nonbinary yourself, is to clarify as much as possible where a character is in time and space and what actions they’re performing in that time. When you go back into your work to edit, honestly assess whether the They/Them used can be construed as plural when you meant singular or vice versa, and do the work to reroute your sentence structure or wording to make everything more clear. Being really specific in writing is exorbitantly helpful anyway! So you have nothing to lose by making things clearer.
Keep editing until that clarity is rock solid. It may never be absolutely perfect, but it doesn’t have to be. Have people read your work and tell them to be specific about when the They/Them gets confusing. CHOOSE YOUR READERS WISELY. As aforementioned, there will always be people out there who just don’t “get” nonbinary people, or the pronouns surrounding them. Remind yourself that you’re only writing for those of us who are more than ecstatic to see ourselves represented respectfully. Also, if you’re not nonbinary and you’re writing a nonbinary main character, make sure you do your proper research. It’s not forbidden (at least in my book) to write an experience outside of yourself, but if you can’t do it accurately, then it has the potential to hurt people, and you may have to hand over your idea to someone else who can represent it better. Make sure you read books by and for nonbinary people! See the language they use to introduce and reference their characters.
